Thursday, July 28, 2011

"I just do my own thing and try not to bother anybody." --Adam Young (Owl City)

Yeah, but then "anybody" barges in and bothers me.  Or somebody.  Or something.  There's always some force pulling at me, shining some harsh, blinding spotlight into my dark corners and blaring loud announcements into my quiet moments.  They drag me out when i want to stay in, lock me in when i want to break out, and make me uncomfortable when all i want is to do my own thing and not bother anybody.  Dragged out of inconspicuosity and thrown onto a stage!  Can't i just keep to myself?  The songs in my head are disconnected and incomplete, like a radio that's stuck in between two stations and is trying to play two completely different songs simultaneously, but all that happens is chaos and clatter and static.  Yeah.  So change the station.  You can't; it's stuck.  So turn it off.  Nope, there is no "off" button.  Thoughts and music and poetry and adventures and duties swirl like a hurricane, smashing into each other, cutting each other off in midsentence.  Then there's the background noise! Chatter, whining, screaming, scratching at my nerves! 

So many obligations come hurtling at me, and i am not allowed to swat at them.  They are worthwhile and reasonable.  The sick and elderly deserve to be visited!  The laundry must be washed, the house kept in some sort of order, the shopping done.  Finances managed.  Speeches given!  Sunday school lessons taught, lovingly, with the Spirit.  Appointments must be kept, friends contacted, questions answered.  Bake cookies.  Plan dinner.  Solve the world's problems. 

Every obligation i neglect bites at me like the mosquitoes that sneak into my room at night.  They suck the life-blood out of me, just enough to torment me in my sleep and cause discomfort during the day.  And neglected duties should cause discomfort.  Except that it can't shut the clatter off, can't refill my empty stores, can't straighten out the swirling, biting maelstrom!

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

I need a GPS

The cool forest with its shade and greenery and clean smells... is so far from me!  The heat and rush and chaos of daily life is miring me down.  Hm.. "mire".. i just used that word the other day, and it isn't a common one.  Must be a theme.  It would be such a relief to feel UNmired, to feel free!  The weight on my shoulders is so heavy. 

Fighting, arguing, discontent, disrespect, disobedience, unkindness!  These things do not sit well with me.  My personality rejects them.  When they are forced on me, it is a cause of great stress, even if i am not directly involved.  I can't focus, i can't escape, and more and more pressures are laid on me while i struggle with the scraping of nails on my soul.

If only i could find my way to the peaceful forest, i could heal. 
#notgonnahappen

Sunday, July 17, 2011

On Mount Meridian, there are never neighbors who blast bad music at bedtime. Ever. Sigh.

Moonrise

The moon is soon to rise, soon after the weary sun sets. Just as Mount Meridian is home to the Safehouse, a place of refuge and friendship and peace, this page is my refuge. I am yet unsure of how it will progress, whether it will be a place for poetry or a place to rant and stomp and swear about the injustices of life, or if it will be neglected and overgrown and full of wildflowers and ferns. Time will tell. Until then, a beautiful evening is upon me, and i welcome it gladly. Welcome to Mount Meridian.